Oh.. I haven'T write here for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time... ooops!!haven't forgot about this blog, but I didn't feel like. but I should keep on writing here, I 've got several SNS, but there I can not wirte a lots of my FEELING .'Cause I have someones I don't want to be known...
Well, it's time to stick with here!
What I'm doing is.. writing thesis, which I really should be in rush, and also alittle bit job hunting.
I don't want to work, I don't want to be in the part of the company, but
I have to. It's a JOB. But,, I don't find the good one.
I've got two job interview ,then already I got fed up!
What a people doing?!?!
Actually it's so strange to see people wearing same cloths, speaking like,,,
overpolite way, (almost licking the boots of the Company)
I'm fed up also the way company heading, only to pursuade profit.
Well ..but nobody can living with 'I don want, I don want to ' , so I must find a job I can work and be pleased...
Oh it'S time to go to library, these days I can not get up early . I hate it!
Oh it's been a while,,,since the last I wrote here.
I am in japan now, finished a semester in Australia. Then, worked for a couple of weeks in Brisbane, traveled for a days.
Just before being back home I went to Malaysia and Singapore. iT was just the open door of backpacker traveling to me.... how exciting it was, i realised a lots,,, lots of facts, even myself.
Well,,,, after I'm back home it's been terrible time for me, the relationship with my family, (Im not going to write about it,, it was hell), I lost motivation for my life I don't know what I want now and for a life ahead.
It became lots better now. I wasn't really ready to write about my life even here during August. I belong to some SNS, myspace, facebook, mixi, but I thought nothing would help me as I really need, that's I learned this time, how helpless that kind of vertual relationsip is.
Ok, now my situaiton is not that bad, I am living in the flat share again(but not same place as before). But with no job,,,well I have to think about it. And I have to get job interview. I've got one already and I haevn't got answer, it's not hopefull. well I have to think a bit more.
I don'T know if I do hold some hope living in this society, I am completely lost right now!!!!! I am sure that less ,even less than before, people can talk to me currently, I mean, I am looking at different direction from ones of everyone. I've had several situation that I've got argue and it became having a go with a friend I had before I went to Australia. Seriously, am I really unacceptable in this society? hi-------- scarely.
I am thinking about a job i will have.
I do want to continue my study but I will do it later on. My parents are not so rich and I do have to earn some money if I want to keep on.
hu- I will try to write more, in English I feel more open to espress my feeling. Also I should be more skillful to constract my argue and explanation to people in written text.
I want to be a person who feel thank and being happy everyday.
I need to train and getting consult sometimes?? I guess?
More I spend time here, more I get tired and sick. How Different my ideal life from the ones of Japanese? Even my parents, I know of course they worry me because I am like this. But I am quite sure that I will have a job in next spring that is my dream, too!!!! So just stop pushing me to buy stupid black suits outfit and try to make me scared if I don't follow the 'standard Japanese way' to get job. Just shut up I am not idiot I am not sacking their money any more I just want to organise my life bymyself and it's my choice that I have a dream still !
I don't know, it's better to work for a while in Japan and make some connection to get my dream closer. The point is, I can not decide which one should be my dream.
Japanese society and people don't let me have a dream in my life.
I haven't write here for a long time.... Now Iam in Kuara Lumpur, Malaysia.
This country is so different from Australian, now I admire backpackers from Europe traveling individual....I feel a bit scared and sometimes irritated because I can not communicate with local people in English! Especially in the transportation, market, shop. And if they don't speak English, just tell me that... don't say 'yes,yes'.... some times I never figure out what the person saying,,,,
Ifeel I am sowesternised. And I feel Iam bitch. I have been insisting that we never hold some kind of bias or prejudice towards certain kind of race group, especially colored race. I hate globalisation, I never want to agree with ' the scale of western is always right' that kind of stuff. But now,,,, oh no I am Ok here but I don't think I can be here for a long time!!!! What is common sence??? What is rude, and polite!!! I am so so confused and ...
I have been so naive even I had been studying sociology. My opinion and claim was based on someone's experience and now I really feel I hadn't learned bymyself. I didn't know anything but just wanted to be the one knows something. do you know I try to say?
I haven't eaten proper until today.
Because I am frighten!
| 2006-07-21 22:46
I am 23 years old, and siniour year student in my university. To graduate my uni, I need to complete one more semester. Because when I was in Montreal, I had been in hiatus. I am one year behind from I am supposed to be.
But , what is "I am supposed to be"?
I am final year student and I appied exchange program of my uni. I was so surprised when I got accepted. I didn't expected it. But i am sure that it is super good chance rather than staying in Japan and finding a job. ( for me!) But now.....everytime when I make a phone call to japan, my relative and even my family say that I have to catch it up before I go back to japan.
What is " catch it up" !
Am I ,,,am I fallen behined?
I feel so bad, even I had a quarrel with my mom. I said, I want to have a job, I am sure that Iwill have job in a certain way Because I don' want to depend on my family anymore. Of course not. I want to continue my study but I want to do it on my own if I find some chance.
But,,,, now I don't want to think my experience in canberra was time wasting. I don't want to accept anyone tell me that I have to be hurry. So I am here? If "I" feel that I have to catch it up because I've been here, my life here isn't meaningful for me anymore. I am supposed to proud of myself. But people consider that I am going somewhere I am supposed to do.
I am so depressed after I talked to my mom, tried to tell her why I don't want to hear it. She said she doen't mean to. Well, that is the worse to hear it. She is always doing it unconsiouly?
Anyway I really don't want to go back.
Then I tried to write down What I want to do after I go back, and looked. Why, I really don't understand but everytime people make me that I am no worth to live, spending so much money to be abroad, but when I looked my like schedule ( hahah) I feel, well,,, just I can do it, why not? Why they can make me feel so nomb and dead? I don't want to say that I don' like Japan but certainly it makes me so despareted to go out.
It't going to be exactly a week I am leaving here, and my mind has already left here!
There are so much things stimulate me for travelign and working, I feel I want to get over here. hahaha
Also it's sad but now I really reaconise who is my precious friend.
(who really likes me, I mean) So I don't want to waste my time unappropriately. The girls who I was living with were nice, but,,,there are so much 'muddy' , they come out now. Some of them are bitching all the time and I really hate it. Yes but maybe it was right time to have this usually, after three months,,yes.
By the way the meaning of title is, because Gemini person can not stay one place for a long, they eager to move out to new thing.I am exactly this. I have still something definately important to do here, but I am dreaming about my near future. Can't wait for having new situation!
Also I started to seek the accomodation I can stay after I go back to japan, too. But even I haven't make resevation for youth hostel in gold coast..... uuuuuuuuuuuuups
I am excited to go back now, still soooooooooo much nervous, but the different things from my experience in Montreal is,,,, I don't like Australia so much,,,,I don't want to stay here for good my life. But uni was so good, if only Icould stay for a year my english and spanish would be better (even if I suffer such a difficult and huge amount of reading). But ,,, I also want to study in japan, in my language, I really like my teachers, too.OK now it's time to go.. I'm going to watch movie tonight with my friends.
No really I can't believe that I am leaving next weekend.... really.
Because before I go back to Japan, I am traveling around east coast and work a bit ( for a month approx) and going to Malaysia only for my joy, I feel rather excited than stressed. But to tell the truth, I am really really afraid that ,,, I don't know... am I going to be accepted ? I try to catch up with my friends in mixi, put lots of comments. But evertime I saw the pAGE it makes me feeling slight upset. As if it tells me 'there is no space for you'. Oh no, I don't know,
I really want to see HElen, my sister lover mother and best fridnd in my life.
Feeling so comfortable and strong when I was living with her.
How many friends actually do I have? That is a stupid question, but.
When I am here, no now I feel that if I can not get along each other with
someone, there is nothing I can do because our personality don't work together. But when I hav trouble with someone, anyone, in Japan i feel it's my problem why I am always like that.
Oh no that is so stressfull.....
Because I write much real feeling here, I got rid of this adress from anywhere.
I am tired. To be likable. Because I can not be.
Actually I am tired of mixi. it is so ,,,my society.
Ok I am studying now
last night was,,, so so long...
I was supposed to go to my friends' room after studying and excercise in gym, so I went. The friends, so much great time spending with me,usually I drop in their place everytime I go library. After May, almost everyday.
I was kind of getting wrong impression from them that day because they are giggling in the another roon and I felt a bit exclusived. After that the one told me when I asked what were they doking, she said, she was trying to help the other one to put tampon! hahaha I said , OK, of course I can wait.
Finally, they came out the room and they had,,, the birthday present for me. Because I arrived eariler than they thought they didn't have enough time to put message on it, they told me. ( Tampon story was just made-up!! haha) It was the best present ever, they gave me the cristal which I hung beside the window and it create rainbow in the room. One day,a couple of month ago, I saw it and I said I really liked it I wanted. I'm so happy because, because, they remember what I like and try to choose the one I like. Isn't that really lovely? It's not happened to me a lot. Really... It was so touchy.
Then, we laughed and cooked and ate again. Until then it was normal but good night. And the one, finnish girl started to be worried about her fiance who has been traveling around Malaysia. He told her he was going to call that night yet until midnight he didn't . She insisted that he is not that kind of guy forgetting to call her ( she is worrid-girl). She was so upset. Even we tried to call him,( he has cell phone!) he didn't answer.
It was so so wierd. We just tried to calm her down.
We stayed up with her until 4:30 am and went to bed.Only me I am living in far residence, I went home. IN result, he called her after 5 am thet she told me. THat guy had so much excuses.... I suspect something wrong.
I sent e-mail to my parents I am alive and don't worry. Now I so realised
how scarly it is, only waiting and doing nothing. He is going to come here later next week, i have to cook Japanese food for them.
I am so sleepy, I couldn't sleep well ,,,only 5 hours...I can't speak english well today
I can't help reading the novel insted of studying.... help.
I have been reading for a couple of hours already.NONO!
I'm supposed to study
If only I could read the papers for the exam like I read novel...
Why novel is so easy access.
Now I can not believe I will leave here in 2 and half weeks. Nothing convince me that it's getting closer the time I will leave, where is my real life! Anyway, it was so good chance for me to come here if I didn't get the change for being an exchange student here, I would never come to Austrlaia bymyself.Although here is not my favorite culture, I learned a lot.
I started to realise about my disturbance, problem and hope. After I go back to japan, ( I really don't want to go back, but also I am really excited because I can study as much as I want there in my language and I have connection better than here with my professor, all about my studying though,,,) I will solve of maybe they are already being solved. Oh I have to lose my weight, I gained so much since I 've been here, I am no cute.
I appriciate myself better that before, and I thank for the god,( I don'tknow whom I should thank in this case) I got real good friend here even a few. I think I will cry a lot when I have to say goo-bye to them, but
they are definately my life-friends. They are going to leave here 23rd of JUne, I will leave here 25 th of JUne. Iwill visit my friend in Gold coast, then go to some city around there look for a job for a 3 weeks. It will be fine. Then 18th of July I will be back to SYDNey hung around for 1-2 days, head to Kuara lumpur in Malaysia. hahaha!! so much fun! I am so excited! I will be so careful to go back to japan alive.
Voy a salir aki finamente, no estoy content pero tengo muchas buena
experiencia todo los dias en Canberra. Estoy muy aprendendo. Prefiere
viajar antes de volver a japon pero es no ' no me gusta volver'. Voy a
estudiar y yo quiero, trabajar mucho. Mi soeno es studiar Espanol en Espana o Mexico. Y trabajar con es y ingles. Oh no I doN't have time to
say anything more but... I will do my best in Exam I hope. I want to have good grade!
I was so upset at my friends just now, I'm the one taken aback the most!!
It was just about the game, and joke, they were definately kidding, and I got sooooooooo mad. Gosh.....
I've just came back from my another friends house, we had a dinner and studying). When I came back here my ressie, quite a few was drunk. One was harrasinge me, hahaha, and later some include my friends were in an attempt to trap me about assasign game. Even I'm not keen to play it now, kind of fed up. I just left but being angry indeed.
It was not about the game. But I hate lie. And I hate one on many. I am not going to lie to my friend about stupid game, if I think the one is my friend. Oh no, I haven't really realised how I hate lie and the situation, it remided me some kind of bad memory I guess,..... And really, it was just just game, oh no I feel embarassing, and so relieved because my friend didn't lie to me in order to take side of a guy but me. hu---!
Sometimes it was so funny how we react impulsively. Now I know ( actually I 'knew' but I didn't ' admit' ) I really hate lie no matter what reason, and being exclusived. I got definately mad and I don' think I would be really friend again with the one involves...Oh no I am afraid of myself, I am really not benevolent,,,is the word correct?
The friend I frequently come over her room is from finland. The Hongkong girl who hate hongkong so much is her next door, we spend so much time together these days. Everyweekend we eat together. Tonight, I cooked stir rice (or something like that name I don't know the spell), it is fried rice, that was so good...I tried to make TOFU because I found soya milk but it didn't work,,,soy milk was 'soy drink', that was not tasty actually shit!
Studying spanish was good, I love it. I have less trouble to study it than other language. French ,German. I doN't study a lot, but it comes naturally, easy to remember and speak and read. VIVa!
OH by the way I felt it was so different between my friend and I, and there are a lot of different culture and life in the Erath! How much different Finland and Japan! Oh, beyond of my imagine!!! I promise that I will go there, I really will,,,,